Host with the most

I grew up in a time where playtime meant getting lost. We would spend hours in the woods, building forts, getting chased by dogs, swinging on frayed rope out over a rushing creek. Our parents had no idea where we were or what we were doing. We knew to come home when we were hungry, thirsty or when it got dark. Sometimes we would try to sneak in the house with a group to watch TV or raid the fridge, and we would be met with an emphatic "go outside!"

Todays parenting is much different. We are flooded with information and advice on what to do and what not to do. We are attacked by images on the evening news of abductors, molesters and other disasters. We navigate these waters of information like a defense missile, trying to explode each one that comes in our radar. Unfortunately, this has created a loss of freedom for kids these days. Many years ago there were broad fears and our kids would have drills during school hours for "bombs" or "tornados". Today they have drills for "stranger in the building" where they are told to find a place to hide that no one can see them. It is sad for us, but normal for them, I suppose. Still, it brings a special worry into parenting that was never there before.

The positive side of this is that we see our kids grow up in a much more intimate way. We are the hosts to our child's adventures and friendships; planning get-togethers, organizing activities and coordinating groups of friends. We get to hear what they talk about and see them laughing and playing, up close. I don't think my mom ever saw me play with a friend or heard us giggle about something silly. She wasn't there to comfort me when I got hurt because by the time I got home, I was done crying and basically just needed a band-aid. Now I have a front row seat and have gotten to know each special kid that walks through my door. Each friend is a window into a different part of my child, for I can see his/her uniqueness and why they became a chosen friend.

Whenever I have a crowd of kids around, I like to feed them. One day, a bunch of teenagers gathered at my house. I knew not to insert myself into any of the conversations, so I stayed in the kitchen and decided to bake cookies. I could hear them walking in and out of the house, talking and laughing. As I finished baking the cookies, I found my heart (which I put aside just for me). They soon migrated towards that chocolatey aroma where they devoured the rest of the batch in a few hours. How I love my kids and their friends! I am so lucky to be included in this little window since it won't be open much longer. And after everyone leaves, I love seeing my kids smiling, happy and thankful for having those special friends and being able to share our home with them.

A Common Good

A few years back my heart matured enough to develop a strong love for my community. Since we have never stayed in one place more than a year or two, it had been difficult to grasp this concept. However, after living in our home for 8 years, it is safe to say we are entrenched. We have made lifelong friends, our children are doing well in school, we love our neighbors, and our extended family lies just around the corner. Now that we have established our home, our most basic instinct is to protect it from any threat. Fires, burglars, storms, even the lowly grubs are some of the things we take extra precautions against each year. Sometimes we even find that we have to protect ourselves from our own best interests.

A few years back, industrial development came knocking to our little town. It came knocking with a big checkbook and promises to be a good neighbor. It also came knocking with hundreds of tractor trailers a day and warehouses that would slice 85-120 feet feet into our skyline. With the economy at a downturn, this tempting offer was hard to resist; and our local government invited this industrial vampire across the threshold, into our homes. Now anyone who has seen a good vampire movie knows never to permit entry; for once they enter, they will eventually take over. But I, and many of my neighbors, felt differently. We saw our blossoming, family-oriented community no place for an industrial nightmare; and we decided to dig our heels in for a fight. It took over a year of meetings, lawyers, flyers, door knockings and petition signing; but we finally won back the security of our homes!

One particular day, in the heat of battle, I was feeling especially frustrated. Our cause had taken some hard hits. We were running low on funds, and I had been receiving a lot of discouraging remarks from people that our goal was unreachable and we should just give up. I felt abandoned by our elected officials and the lack of interest they showed in hearing our arguments. I felt the need for some fresh air and to clear my head a bit, so I rode over to take a look at the land.

Although I have driven past it a million times over the years, this expansive plot of land had become more beautiful to me as the months passed. I grew up minutes from this location and remember a time when it was filled with cows and corn. The rich, soil always seemed to be bustling with farming activity back then, and it was a true reflection of what it was like to live in "the country". Over the years, developers came in and started snatching up surrounding plots of land for residential development. With each project came a community "sigh" over losing a piece of what our area used to mean. I gazed out over the barren field awaiting it's fate. Historic homes still dotted it's border, and although it's original splendor had faded, this empty expanse was still a thing of beauty. I came across several hearts surrounding the land that day. In fact, if you search the location on Google Earth, there is an actual bald patch in the center that is in the shape of a heart!

These hearts felt like a confirmation to me. Not as a sign we would eventually win our fight, but the realization of the love we collectively shared for our community. We became united, despite our diverse backgrounds, in order to protect our homes. We wanted to honor the promise our township made; that our community would not expand but maintain our growth in order to preserve our historic and cultural value. Through this goal, we crossed the normal social boundaries that divide us, and we came together as a family. It was a wonderfully frustrating yet satisfying expression of the power that people can possess when they are driven by a common good. Plus, it made me realize how much I love and appreciate my community and the people I share it with each day.

Now, when I drive through our township, I look at each doorstep differently. Former strangers have become friends, and our community feels more like a home that we all share. Beyond each fence lies a friendly face and the knowledge that when it comes to the most important things, we really have a lot in common.

Resolutions

With the turning of each New Year comes the dreaded New Years Resolution. This is a time when we come to terms with the skeletons in our closet and promise to forge onward into the next year with a clean slate. Many of us recommit ourselves to goals, try to kick old habits and consciously admit to ourselves we can (and will) do better.

For me, this usually involves a laundry list of household projects, promises to be more organized and a rededication to my health and spirit. The easiest of these tasks for me to focus on is my health. After all, I have spent decades studying fads, diets, lifestyle choices, raw foods, whole foods, omega 3-6-9 fatty acids, oils, vitamins, herbs, aerobic exercise, weight lifting, yoga, meditation etc. I am completely aware of exactly what I need to do to be happy and healthy, yet each year I have fallen back into old habits and spend the rest of the year applying sporadic commitment.

3 years ago, after a gluttonous ringing in of 2009, I decided to kick off the New Year with some healthy choices. Like an assassin, I examined my pantry, eradicating all the evils that tempted me during the year. White sugar, white flour, white pasta, white potatoes, white rice... all offending poisons that lurked on my shelf waiting to be purged. I vowed never to be swayed to the white side again! I barreled onward to the local store, filling my coffers with the whole grain browns... brown rice, brown flours, brown pastas. Into my cart I threw flax seed oil, avocados, seeds and promised to overflow my crispers with fresh fruits and veggies. Also on my shopping list were nuts of the purest form. These nuts were not roasted or salted; but a nut in its shell (finally I would get to use my nutcracker)! Returning home, I stocked my shelves with whole foods and grains. I looked at my bounty and felt anxious to start my new "lifestyle choice". Time for a celebratory snack! Reaching for the bag of nuts, I scrambled through a tangle of kitchen utensils for my nutcracker. I dove right in for my first crack which wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. The taste of the fresh walnut was buttery and delicious as I savored each nugget I dug out from the hard casing. As time passed, my knuckles grew sore and the work was was not as fun as I imagined. Although I tried to convince myself that this would be my new daily ritual, I felt myself acknowledging that maybe nut cracking (for me) wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

As I struggled through my bag 'o nuts, I cracked one open to find this heart. How funny that this tough nut would crack into a loving shape. Perhaps this was a sign that making healthy choices was a way of loving myself? After delving further into this idea, I came to terms with the fact that it wasn't about my decision but my dedication. Each year, despite the fact I fell off the brown wagon, I found it in myself to get back on. Each year, I persevered towards my goals with high intentions that lead towards the realistic acceptance: I am only human. I may not tackle each goal with the laser focus that I imagined, but the fact I keep trying means that I can consider my goal closer and my life better from the effort. As I set my resolutions for this year, I accept the real victory rests in my determination. Winston Churchill once said, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” Time to crack some nuts...

Walk Therapy

One of my greatest pleasures is the quietness of nature. I learned to develop a love of this when I was a child and would play in the woods all day. The snap of the twig, the chirping of the birds, hearing the winds blow through the weeds in an open field on a hot, dry day. For me, the quietness and unassuming quality of nature is so tranquil that it allows my mind to feel meditative and almost spiritual.

Last spring, I enjoyed a few months where I took walks at the lake in the morning after the morning school bus ritual. This not only gave me the benefits of weekly exercise, but it also gave me some time for my spirit. Most of the time I would listen to nature and allow my mind to wander. As a mom, there are very few times in a week where you enjoy enough silence to organize your own thoughts. This time served as a "spring cleaning" for my brain as I organized my goals, relationships and how I feel about being here. I also used this time to listen to some spiritual podcasts which helped me feel a greater connection to God. Some people enjoy Talk Therapy, but last Spring I had a big ol' session of Walk Therapy.

One wet morning I decided to enjoy an extra-long walk at the lake. I knew my therapy schedule was going to be altered soon with the ending of school and the beginning of summer. Summer is such a busy time for our family and solitude will be scarce. I walked about 5-6 miles that morning, really appreciating every aspect. The wet, wormy smell of the earth... the big buoyant ducks, diving their heads underwater for a minnow... the hypnotic timing of my feet as they slapped the pavement. All of these sights, sounds and smells seemed like a rare treasure to me that day as my mind kept fighting to drift forward to the busyness of summer.

Much to my surprise, I found 4 hearts on my walk that day! This puddle heart was the most unique since it could only be seen by looking at it from a certain angle. I also like the fact it was created by a hole/dent in the pavement which reminded me of the "void" between heaven and earth that is referenced in the Tao Te Ching. In it, Lao Tzu said, "We fire clay and make vessels; it is precisely where there's no substance, that we find the usefulness of clay pots" (the hole in the middle). I like meditating on this thought. Very often holes are thought of as losses in our lives. Losing a job, needing a friend to talk to, saying good-bye are all ways we experience voids or holes. Yet sometimes it is that same void that leaves us open to experience new things like embarking on a new career, meeting new people or exploring parts of our spirit. If our lives are in a constant state of overflowing, how will we ever enjoy the pleasure of being filled up?

So today I embrace the holes in my life and choose to see them from a certain angle; not as a loss, but as an opportunity. "Thus, while existence has advantages, It is the emptiness that makes it useful.”

Cats in a sack!

Holiday baking is a very special time. The warm oven making my face flushed, being dusted with flour, the smell of butter and sugar wafting through the air. For me, it is a little bit of heaven! Of all the recipes I make each year, the ones I enjoy are those that have been passed through my family for generations. One of the most delicious, and challenging of these is Katze-im-sac.

Katze-im-sac is translated to mean "cats in a sack". These are cookies that are rolled thin and filled with a walnut meringue. The sides of the cookies are folded over to create the sack. As they bake, the meringue creates a gooey, sweet nutty filling and the edges are crispy and buttery. They are very difficult to make and have taken me years to perfect them to the liking of my grandmother and great aunt. "Roll the dough thinner" my great aunt would say. My grandmother would politely gobble them up, but I remember the year I got them right, her smile was much bigger than years past. I finally found the trick to getting the dough very thin and enjoy making these each year. I even use one of my grandmother's old wooden boards to roll them out on (which is one of my secrets).

Several years ago, in 2009, I was rolling out my katze-im-sac. I was thinking of family and all the years we have enjoyed this recipe. I thought of my great aunt who had passed away and wondered if I was making this batch to her liking. As I continued to roll and fold my dough, this one rolled right into a heart! I realized in that moment that when I cook and bake for my family, my heart is behind it. I make these little gems each year to not only celebrate the holiday but to allow older members in my family see that their traditions are anchored firmly into place. They have shared with me the art of transforming butter and sugar into a time travel machine that visits all the years of Christmas past.

This year I am celebrating my first Christmas without my grandmother. I am finding it very hard to motivate myself to bake which has made me aware how much I was inspired by her presence. One of my greatest pleasures was taking a ride on that time machine with her, but this year I will be denied. As the last few days before Christmas fly, it is my intention to put on the apron and dedicate a day to baking. This year my focus is on my children who are learning to appreciate these cookies each year. Perhaps there will come a time when I will be visiting my grandchild and he/she will be rolling out that dough for me. "Thinner, thinner..." I will tell them, as the crispy meringue transports me through the Christmases past. I can only imagine how deeply meaningful that would feel, and I hope my grandmother was able to experience the same.

A friend moves away...

From a young age, I have always been very selective about who I let into my life. I was not one of those children that was wildly popular, but usually placed my faith in one or two friends who I felt a great loyalty and admiration for. These people were treasures to me, and I have cherished each and every one I have met over the years.

One of these friends was a woman I met through my daughter, back in 2003. Her daughter and my daughter became great friends; and, as a result, we began to see a lot of each other. This woman quickly became important to me for many different reasons. Aside from our daughters being close, I found her to be an amazing mother... full of patience and encouragement. She also took very good care of herself and her home (all you moms out there can relate how hard a task that can be at times). In addition to all these admiring traits, she loved to cook, laughed at all my jokes and made me want to be a better person.

One day, as we stood in the parking lot of the dance studio where our daughters were taking their lessons, she told me through tearful eyes that they were moving. Her husband was being transferred down south, thousands of miles away. We gave each other a hug and cried at the thought of our lives no longer being intertwined. How would I get along without my friend there to cheer me on and make witty observations over our daily challenges and joys?

After they settled in their new home, we took a flight down to see them. It was like old times with our kids playing and us cooking in the kitchen sharing our stories, laughing and listening to each other. One day we went for a walk to the neighborhood playground. It was a hot day, and the kids were far ahead on their scooters with us lagging behind, yelling warnings and helping our smaller children make their way. All of the sudden, we looked down and found a heart in the pavement! I stopped our whole group and made her take a picture of it on her phone.

To me this heart meant our love and friendship was solid and permanent like this hole in the pavement. Over the past 8 years we have kept in touch. Sometimes we talk more than other times; but always we remain friends, picking up right where we left off. No matter what path we may take, we know we can always count on our friendship. Love has no sense of time and is unchanging. As long as we have love to share with someone, we have access to something truly divine.

Guilty pleasure

In July of 2011, I had a day that made any stay-at-home mom feel fantastic (and a little guilty). Picture this, a stellar summer day with sunny blue skies and comfortable temps. My older daughter enjoyed a morning of camp and an afternoon at a friends house. My younger daughter and I had a relaxing morning and picked up her friend to take to the pool after lunch. When we got to the pool, there were plenty of seats around, even some with umbrellas! After I made sure the girls had plenty of sunscreen and bought myself a huge diet Pepsi with ice (and a straw); I settled on a lounge chair with my book.

As I drank in the sun on this peaceful day, I felt so lucky. I thought of how I left my career in advertising years ago to raise my girls and how many joys and struggles I have felt. There were some days that felt painfully long, like when the children were sick with fever and the laundry was a mile high. And there were days that felt like a special gift, like when I could volunteer to help out in their class or comfort them when they were sad or be there to watch them learn something new. This day was one of those days as I watched my daughter and her friend swim in the pool, making up games in the water and trying to splash me from the side. Then my daughter gazed up, "Look, mom, a heart!". Damn if it wasn't the perfect cloud heart on a perfectly beautiful sunny day! I took a picture with my phone and felt as if God was smiling down on us, giving us the gift of a beautiful day and time with each other. I even think this heart looks like it has two birds in it. What do you think?